Let's see, I'm doing pretty good, the numbness/shock of my situation is still keeping me together.  Plus, of course, I've accepted the inevitablilty of what the hel happened.

I think I can summerize it pretty well too.  I like my sex romantic and my relationships friendly.  He likes his sex friendly & his relationships romantic.  It's probably been working against us for a long long time.

On to more interesting stuff.

I really need to do some prep work for nanowrimo.  Since I'm not going to do an outline, I should do some character sketches.  now i just have to force myself to do it.  Only a few weeks left, after all.

I also need to start hitting the gym big time.  It's october, I haven't met my weightloss goals for the year, guh.  I wanted to lose another 15 lbs. by Xmas.  the only way I'm going to do that is to start seriously working out now, because november I'll be focused on writing, which will spill into december, no doubt.  guh.

it's definate now.  we're getting a divorce, eventually.  Whatever.  the marriage is over; he's just not interested in even trying.  so that's that.  I had a major cry last night, as well as this morning, and I suspect I'll be crying over this mess again a dozen times or so.

we still have to tell the kids, not that my youngest will understand it until we really separate; she's 2.5, she'll understand a lot of it, but some just won't make sense until she sees it in action.

He wants to sell the house, and take more than the amount he's due; he doesn't think it fair I get my full share.  His eyes bulged at my mention of child support; because he wants shared custody (having the kids every other week), he doesn't think he has to pay child support for when I have the girls.  Thank god I don't want alimony, otherwise he would have burst.

His idea of 'fair', is that he gets a bigger share since all I've done is take care of the kids, is so totally not.

well, we're both going to have to face the idea of compromises.  I want to keep the house; he wants a bigger share of the profits from selling it.  I don't see either of us being happy, but I think we'll manage something.

I'm finding myself kinda relieved when I'm not grief stricken, lol.  I've come to realize I don't know this man anymore.  He's so not what I married, and I just refused to notice the changes, remembering how it used to be rather than looking at what was here now.

I totally love/loved my Bob, but this man isn't him, not really.  It's more like my husband died, and his indifferent identical twin is living with me, trying to get me to move on.  Okay, it sounds crazy, but since it makes me feel a whole lot better.  

I find myself thinking of the good side of a divorce.  My art on the walls instead of just his.  Decorating to suit myself, rather than not at all because we disagree.

to be able to be myself, worries and all, without having someone around thinking I'm therefore crazy and incompetent.  wow.

to be consider someday having another child, which he doesn't want (and got a vasectomy to insure).

My heart feels both light and heavy.  A new life, mixed with the death of the old one.  Definately feeling like a phoenix.

Things still aren't working between me and Bob.  He's just not ready to really commit to fixing things.  So I'm busy trying to change, and be the best I can be, while he's not doing anything, except wonder whether he should stay or go.

boy,  is it hard to bear.

On the other hand, since I've come to the realization that I don't want to give up the house, well, he's in for a longer stay than he may be planning.  In two years my mother retires, so I can take a full time job (or several part time ones, I'm not picky).  I'll be able to afford to pay the mortgage then, so we (meaning my mother, myself and my two daughters) won't have to leave our home.

Even though we haven't lived here very long, I've really grown attached to the place.   And if he insists we all move, and sell the place, well, I'll never be able to afford this kind of home for my kids, and still remain in the area.  bob's already threatened me that I don't dare take the kids out of town; he'll sue for custody, and might possibly get it, though it's unlikely.

I don't want to raise my kids in a ratty trailer  or an appartment next to drug dealers (about all I can afford), I love the location of our house, it's just perfect.

So I'll just have to convince bob it's in his best interest to wait two years before he goes, *if* he decides to really go.

let's see, how it's been going..

marriage, well, we're working on it.  at least he's willing to try.  we're going to see a marriage counsellor next wednesday.  fingers are crossed.  I've also been reading a zillion books on the subject, so some of that can help; tips are good, if they work.

bob rented a couple of video games, which has been amazingly good for both of us.  we get to sit down together, and play.  Or we get to enjoy the other's successes.  It's helped ease things immensely.

I'm also writing again.  lol, erotica, which is fitting, since I'm not getting sex anymore.  gotta have something.  I'm going to submerge my lust into my writing, and hopefully it'll be good, lol.  Plus, if I can actually get a sex scene written, I can email the lot of it to bob, see if it's any good.

otherwise, I'm teetering between hope and despair, which seems pretty normal for the situation.  I'm hoping we can fix this; if he's truly willing to work this out, we can.  that's the biggie, and we have no answers for that yet.  it's driving me up the wall, but I'm doing the best I can to be more hopeful and calm, cuz going crazy on his butt won't work, lol.

So far, terror and hope are warring.  He doesn't want to give me any hope.  Like that doesn't kill me to hear.  

Okay, things are somewhat better now.

I slept on the couch last night, but I chose to be the one who did.  I've been able to do a lot of thinking.  I really have been dragging this marriage down.  No, I'm not the only one to not work on it, but I have definately been doing stuff that would drive anyone insane.

My low self-esteem isn't helpful.  It's part of the problem.  Of course, the fact that nearly all of our straight female friends want to sleep with Bob doesn't help either.  Thankfully, he's mostly oblivious to this.  Heck, even Sam would make a play for him if he were single, and only knowing she's not the poaching type is keeping me from hating her.  Though I gotta admit, now my hackles are up about her, which really doesn't help since she's the only really good female friend I have.

From now on, I'm only going to be best friends with lesbians.  Then I'll *know* they don't want to sleep with him. 

Apparently I was totally wrong.  In so many many ways.