Let's see, B took his pc downstairs, which left a big gaping space in the livingroom, and a smaller one in me.  I don't know why, really, other than I feel less stable.  Which is good, I guess.  I shouldn't get used to still having him, his pc, his stuff, etc. around.  It just means I've gotten comfortable again, and I have to remember that things aren't really going to be safe and comfortable until we've moved out and on.

B's computer removal has made me think more fondly of the murder plot line, lol.  I don't really have to dredge up anger to write that, just fear and worry.  I've got those in spades!

Okay, so this evening, while soon-to-be ex was rearranging his 'bedroom' (the kids' toy room with a fold out couch), he gets a phone call.  I can tell it's a guy, no biggie.  He says it's a mutual friend, and that he rather thought S (an exfriend who wants to sleep with my almost ex) had shared the tale of our separation, and that this guy wanted to do some male bonding.  Okay.  I don't really care.  B goes out almost every night anyway, I haven't a clue where, and I've finally stopped being hurt by it.  It's a good reminder of how things are changing.

anyway.

I've convinced my mom to do nanowrimo with me this year, and I wanted to show her the website.  Since I was doing stuff on mine, I decided to load up the site on B's computer.  He'd left his email browser open.  S had left him an email, telling him a date & time to be at a certain coffeeshop.  (half an hour before he left).

So I'm thinking.  He obviously didn't see the email, which meant S was stewing alone at the coffee shop.  Instead of calling herself, she convinces a mutual friend to call for her.  B takes off.  I didn't hear the conversation, so I don't know if B was told on the phone that it was a ruse, or if it was being kept from him until he got there.

I can't believe how juvenile this is.  Like what, I'm going to be hateful to B because he's going to meet with S?  Sorry, but I believe my almost ex when he says it's over between us.  I tried to win him back, it failed, now we move on.  Gods, how it hurts, but I do acknowledge it.

The worst part is that we've been here before.  Another female 'friend' was emailing and talking with B behind my back, and we almost broke up then.  I'm glad we didn't, because I wouldn't have had my youngest, and I love her so much.  I can't imagine not having her in my life!

But really, hiding this stuff behind my back, when we've already broken up?  Yes, we're still living together, if by that you understand that he sleeps in a different room, we only talk when others are around, and he spends most evenings out.  We spend maybe ten minutes alone together, and we spend that time trying not to talk about anything personal.  

And I'm the one told to grow up!

it's definate now.  we're getting a divorce, eventually.  Whatever.  the marriage is over; he's just not interested in even trying.  so that's that.  I had a major cry last night, as well as this morning, and I suspect I'll be crying over this mess again a dozen times or so.

we still have to tell the kids, not that my youngest will understand it until we really separate; she's 2.5, she'll understand a lot of it, but some just won't make sense until she sees it in action.

He wants to sell the house, and take more than the amount he's due; he doesn't think it fair I get my full share.  His eyes bulged at my mention of child support; because he wants shared custody (having the kids every other week), he doesn't think he has to pay child support for when I have the girls.  Thank god I don't want alimony, otherwise he would have burst.

His idea of 'fair', is that he gets a bigger share since all I've done is take care of the kids, is so totally not.

well, we're both going to have to face the idea of compromises.  I want to keep the house; he wants a bigger share of the profits from selling it.  I don't see either of us being happy, but I think we'll manage something.

I'm finding myself kinda relieved when I'm not grief stricken, lol.  I've come to realize I don't know this man anymore.  He's so not what I married, and I just refused to notice the changes, remembering how it used to be rather than looking at what was here now.

I totally love/loved my Bob, but this man isn't him, not really.  It's more like my husband died, and his indifferent identical twin is living with me, trying to get me to move on.  Okay, it sounds crazy, but since it makes me feel a whole lot better.  

I find myself thinking of the good side of a divorce.  My art on the walls instead of just his.  Decorating to suit myself, rather than not at all because we disagree.

to be able to be myself, worries and all, without having someone around thinking I'm therefore crazy and incompetent.  wow.

to be consider someday having another child, which he doesn't want (and got a vasectomy to insure).

My heart feels both light and heavy.  A new life, mixed with the death of the old one.  Definately feeling like a phoenix.